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safaiagemwritingAfter that, it felt like something shifted for Jyn. She found her fire again and was determined to find a way to save them all. It was what she needed to do. It was also fairly clear to her that whatever she needed to do to make this stop involved saving them. The next few rounds she began to finalize her plans. She made sure that Kay had a backup at the base. She told Bodhi where to hide and how to connect the cord without killing himself. The first time she tried to keep Baze and Chirrut close to the ship it didn't work. They always died together and for some reason that gave her hope. She knew that they would keep each other safe. So she arranged for them to be in certain places that Bodhi could easily find once he took off. That also led to the problem of rebellion fighters shooting Bodhi down. The first time he screamed as the ship went down haunted her.
So she made sure that Baze and Chirrut and as much of the group as possible ended up at a landing platform that was empty by the end of the fight. It worked, sometimes, but there were other times that it didn't. Sometimes Bodhi would land and troopers would take over the ship. Bodhi always fought with everything he had but it wasn't enough. Sometimes Chirrut or Baze would take a fatal shot and the other refused to get on the ship. Jyn knew she couldn't save one of them, it had to be both, but they were fighters and they wanted to help. It seemed like luck whether or not both of them would make it onto the ship but she gauged her failures on whether or not they got on the ship. If they didn't then she could work on trying to stop Cassian from falling.
There was an attempt when she tried to take his place in the fall but instead, she was knocked from the tower and fell to her death. There were so many things that kept going wrong but she kept tweaking them. She knew the layout of the citadel by now and tried to use that knowledge to help her but that wasn't enough. Kay wasn't there to take the shots to close the door and she felt the blaster bolt that killed her.
She didn't want to send Cassian out alone but it was the only way. He was a high enough rank that no one would look at him and he could open the channel. The first time that worked Jyn nearly cried with relief but she still had to watch Cassian fall again and again. Every time he fell she hated herself a little more that she couldn't seem to stop this. So Jyn tried to stop the fall again and that meant she watched Cassian die a lot. She saw him fall to his death. She saw him take a blaster shot to the head, to the chest, to the stomach, to the back, to the leg, and every combination of falls. She saw him miss the platform completely and plummet to his death. It didn't matter what she did; Cassian always fell.
Jyn kept working and she kept repeating the day and while she was determined to find a way to make this work it didn't make it any easier. There were some days that she didn't go to Cassian even though she wanted more than anything. Her nerves were starting to fray again and one time she sat in her room and ignored the comm until Cassian came to find her. The disappointment in his eyes when he thought that she was going to run was more than Jyn could bare and she threw herself from the top of the citadel in anger. She was angry, just so angry, that no matter what she did they always failed.
The only bright spot was going to Cassian's room and being with him. She didn't have a word for what she felt about him, it felt wrong to put a word on it when this was all one-sided, but she couldn't help herself. They talked and she learned more and more stories about him. She learned what he liked during sex and what he didn't. Jyn used those to her advantage to render him mindless in minutes but there was a nagging doubt in the back of her mind. It was approaching two hundred tries and she knew so much about Cassian but he didn't know anything more about her. It was all happening to him for the first time every time.
Once Jyn realized that she felt like she had to hold back. It didn't seem fair that she had months of learning everything there was to know about Cassian and he didn't know anything about her. If, when, she saved all of them her relationship with him was going to change and she didn't know how to explain it to him. She didn't know how to tell him that they'd been together so many times that she could map the scars on his skin. That she knew the stories behind all of those scars. Never before had she wished that she knew how to tell him what was going on. That night, Jyn felt alone and when she failed to save everyone on that next run she made a decision. She was going to tell him.
Jyn woke up and walked through the hallways. She avoided the people she needed to avoid and she got to his door. She knocked and when Cassian opened the door she didn't give him a chance to say anything.
"Your name is Cassian Jeron Andor. You were born on Fest and your parents were separatists during the Clone Wars. You have been with the rebellion in varying forms since you were six and you took your first life when you were ten but it was an accident and it haunts you to this day," Jyn said quickly. "Let me in and I'll tell you how I know all of that." Cassian glared but opened the door and she knew he was looking for a weapon nearby. There was a vibroblade in the boots on the ground and even though she could have stopped him she let Cassian grab the vibroblade, pin her to the door, and press the blade against her neck.
"I've never told anyone about that first death haunting me. The only thing in the universe that might know that is Kay and now you're standing in front of my door, saying my full name, and one of my darkest secrets," Cassian hissed and this was the spy that she hadn't met before. This was the man that shot Tivik in the back when it was apparent that he would give up everything if he lived. "How do you know those things? Answer quickly before I slit your throat."
"I know because you told me," Jyn whispered. "I know because I'm repeating this day over and over again and every time we die I wake up in my room and we start again. I come to you almost every time I repeat a day and you've told me so much about yourself. I've come to learn a lot about you Cassian." She slipped a hand under his shirt and touched a white scar she knew was there. "This is from a blaster bolt when you were fifteen. You nearly bled out but you survived. It seems the Force wants you to survive too because if you die I keep waking up. I need to save you. You welcomed me home and now I need you to trust me again."
The vibroblade remained at her throat and she hoped, she prayed, that he would believe her. Maybe if he knew them he would make sure that everyone was safe. Maybe he would trust her judgment and let her guide them through the citadel so they didn't need Kay there. Cassian stared at her and all she saw was the spy. All she saw was the soldier and the man that nearly pulled the trigger on her father and it was like the entire floor fell out from beneath her. This wasn't the look of a man that believed her. This was the look of a man that looked like he was about to make a difficult choice.
Before Cassian could do anything Jyn kicked her foot out and knocked him back a step. The vibroblade cut her throat but just enough that it barely bled. She had no weapons but her fists but that was enough. That could be enough.
"You can't know those things," Cassian said as he flipped the vibroblade in his hand. So he had practice with a short blade. That didn't surprise her considering he was a spy and probably assassinated someone by stabbing them in the back. "My only conclusion is that you're here to kill me or you're here to contact the Empire. Either way, I'm not going to let that happen."
"Cassian, I don't want to do this," Jyn said.
"That isn't for you to decide," he replied. Jyn managed to dodge the first swipe of the blade but with no weapons of her own and such a small space, this wasn't going to end well for either of them. She needed to get that vibroblade away from him. Cassian was fast and well trained but Jyn was faster and she was smaller. That was a great advantage in a situation like this. She ducked from the blade and punched Cassian in the stomach. He coughed but barely reacted outwardly. Cassian came at her again and she felt the blade graze her shoulder. The cut was bleeding but she could ignore it for now. She moved to the side and knocked the vibroblade from Cassian's hand. It fell to the side and Jyn made sure to kick it under the bed.
Cassian was across the room and he was glaring at her. Jyn didn't want to hurt him and she needed him healthy if they were going to try and make a run on the Death Star plans today. She didn't want to hold back but if Cassian couldn't climb then all hope would be lost. So Jyn pulled her punches as they fought again but she still split Cassian's lip and when she saw the blood on his teeth she panicked a little. She thought about the many times she had to watch Cassian bleed out from wounds. It was enough that he was able to gain the edge.
Cassian swiped a foot out and knocked her down to the ground. Before Jyn could do anything he was on top of her and pinning her wrists to the ground. He had all his weight on her so she couldn't kick him off and even if she could the grip on her wrists was ironclad. They were close, nearly nose to nose, and the last time they were like this Cassian was smiling after a very good orgasm. Now he was looking down at her like she was the enemy like she was someone to kill, and Jyn didn't know how to react to this Cassian. He told her about all of the terrible things he had done and that he carried only some guilt for some of them but she hadn't seen that man yet. The one she knew kept coming back to for, he drank his terrible booze with her and took her advice when she told him to make a backup for Kay.
He had tried to kill her and she was lying here thinking about how she wanted to kiss him. It was ridiculous but Jyn couldn't help herself. Somehow, this spy of the rebellion managed to work his way into her heart and she didn't know how. She cared about him, Jyn wanted him to be safe, and even though she didn't know the man staring down at her right now she didn't care about the darkness. She knew Cassian had done some terrible things the same way she did and that the man staring down at her with death in his eyes was just as much a part of him as the one that smiled after sex or laughed while he was drunk.
"Cassian," she whispered. "We have to get the Death Star plans. You know as much as I do how important it is. You have to believe that my father left a weakness in it and we have to go. If we don't the Empire will win this war. Please, if you have to believe anything I say, at least believe that."
"I believed you yesterday and I believe you now," Cassian said and they were so close that their lips were nearly touching. "And even if you were lying, having those plans could help the rebellion in other ways. We need to go to Scarif." Jyn breathed a sigh of relief and she wanted to close the distance between them. "But that doesn't mean you get to roam free." She was about to ask what he meant by that when Cassian released one of her wrists and hit her head with something heavy. Jyn saw spots and the last thing she saw was Cassian staring down at her.
When she came to Jyn fully expected to wake up after another failed attempt but she wasn't on Yavin. She was in the storage closet that she hid in the day she thought she had dreamed the mission. Her hands and feet were in binders, her head was killing her, and she appeared to be wearing Cassian's clothes. She struggled against the binders but they were very much in place. Plus she didn't have much time alone as the door opened and Cassian was standing in front of her.
"You brought me alone," she said.
"I couldn't risk you getting a transmission out to our enemies," Cassian replied as he stared down at her. He was still the soldier, the spy, standing before her and Jyn was still not exactly a huge fan of it.
"What happened when we get to Scarif? Are you going to let me go?" she asked even though she knew the answer. This Cassian didn't trust her and he was going to let her out on a mission like this.
"No, you can stay here," he said. "We'll be landing shortly. Try to make yourself comfortable." Cassian was about to hit the door when Jyn remembered an important detail to all of this.
"Cassian," she said. "My father made the Death Star and he called me Stardust. That is important." Jyn didn't expect anything from that and Cassian blinked once and closed the door behind her. She felt the ship land and Jyn tried to work on the binders but they were extremely tight. Jyn wondered if she was going to die in an explosion for the first time when the door opened and Bodhi stood before her.
"I can't believe he did this," Bodhi said as he knelt down in front of her. He messed with the binders and eventually freed her hands. The two of them worked together and finally, her feet were free. Bodhi offered her a hand and pulled her to her feet. "Are you okay? He didn't hurt you, did he?"
"No, he was doing what he thought was right," Jyn replied as she looked around the ship. It appeared that everyone was already out and moving around the base. This was probably the only chance she would have to really track Chirrut and Baze's movement. She needed to know where they went and how she could keep them safe. "Bodhi, close the bay door or someone is going to try and blow up the ship once the fighting begins. We might have to transmit the plans so we need to open up a channel. Drop down through the same hole everyone else did and use that to connect to the transmitter. I also need a comm."
"Cassian said you were being weird but he didn't say how weird," Bodhi said but he gave her a comm nevertheless which she appreciated.
"Cassian? It's Jyn, you need to do something before you go into the citadel," she said.
"How the hell did you get out?" he asked.
"It doesn't matter. Look, we might have to transmit these plans and do that we need to open the line of communication. You and Kay need to hit the level on a main control panel or the signal won't get through," Jyn explained and she tried not to think too much. "Please, trust me." There was a long beat of silence where Jyn was sure all of this had gone to hell and there was nothing she could do to prevent it.
"Fine," Cassian said but he didn't sound happy about it. His comm went dark after that but Jyn knew that he wasn't going to do well on his own. Without someone drawing the fire at the citadel he was going to get shot and die. He was going to die alone and that made her heart feel like someone was trying to carve it out with a dull vibroblade. There was no time; she needed to look for Chirrut and Baze so she knew where to send them when she attempted this again. Jyn took a blaster and walked out into the battle. It didn't take long to find the rebels once the explosions started going on. She heard Cassian's voice and tried to ignore it.
Unlike the group, Jyn felt like she could move a lot easier than anyone else because she was alone. She only had to look out for herself which was why she was able to catch up to Chirrut, Baze, and their unit fairly quickly. She joined in the fighting and neither of them looked surprised to see her.
"The Force told me that you are doing great thing Jyn Erso," Chirrut said and there was something about the way he said it that made Jyn think that maybe he knew she was repeating the day. Baze touched her arm and offered a small smile.
"It's good to see you, little sister," he said and they were fighting. Jyn kept getting distracted by Chirrut and Baze and she watched each of their movements. With the channel open they didn't go that way and she carefully kept the group together but near landing pads. She told Bodhi to take off but to make sure that he hailed the other rebels to tell them not to shoot him down. Cassian's comm was dark and she wanted to see if he was still alive but she didn't want to hear him die. She also didn't want him to die alone.
The Death Star appeared and Bodhi managed to land at one of the landing bays but Jyn made sure that no one could find her. She made sure that everyone else, including Baze and Chirrut, got on that ship. Jyn knew where they had to go so she could save them. She knew she could save them all now but first she needed to start again one more time. Jyn settled against a tree in the jungle and closed her eyes.
"Cassian?" she said into the comm. "Are you there?"
"I failed," Cassian whispered and she could hear the pain in his voice. He must have fallen still and no one bothered to try and capture him. The plans didn't get sent and the rebellion was getting torn to pieces around her. The planet was going to get destroyed by the Death Star any moment now and he would be gone.
"It's okay," she said.
"Because you're going to do it all over again tomorrow?" he asked and Cassian didn't sound sarcastic. If anything; he sounded hopeful. Jyn supposed that the place they were in, death and failure looming over them, hope that they might get another chance seemed like a lot.
"Yes, I'm going to do it all again tomorrow, and we're going to send the plans and we're going to live," Jyn said and she sounded much more confident than she felt. There was still so much that could go wrong but Cassian was dying and he didn't need to know that she still had doubts.
"Maybe don't tell me next time," he said with a laugh followed by a cough that sounded painful. "Jyn, I--" The line went dead as the Death Star fired on the planet. Cassian was gone and for the first time, Jyn had to face the wave alone. She sat among the trees and ignored the rumbling, she ignored the heat that was getting closer by the second and thought about how close she was to getting this right. And if tears were rolling down her cheeks there wasn't anyone to see them.