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safaiagemwritingJyn woke up with a scream in the back of her throat and thanked whatever was doing this to her that she woke up at all. She wasn't sure what would happen if they failed completely yet here she was, sitting in her room, and everything would be fine. Things weren't fine. They kept failing and she couldn't save everyone.
"Maybe I'm the problem," Jyn said out loud as she hugged her legs to her chest. She wanted to go to Cassian but she didn't know if she could look into his eyes after watching him get gutted like that. He was so defiant in a way that Jyn wasn't sure she was. Would she hold up under torture like that? Was she loyal to the Alliance enough to let the Empire break her body and her spirit? Cassian was and maybe that was enough. Maybe if he went without her slowing them down they could make it. Maybe she was the one who made them die every single time.
Once the thought entered into her mind Jyn couldn't let it go and she panicked. She threw on her clothes and stuffed her meager belongings into a bag. She needed to get out of here. Jyn knew that she was the problem and Cassian with his loyalty and Chirrut with his faith and Baze with his bravery and Bodhi with his kindness, they would be the ones to save everyone and come back alive. She was the one holding the strings of fate back. She was the one who was keeping them in this loop. Without her they would move on as the heroes they were and they would survive. That was the only explanation, the only one, so she needed to get out of here.
After so many loops Jyn knew the guards of Yavin better than anyone. She didn't want anyone seeing her go to or come out of Cassian's room so she needed to learn where everyone was. So it wasn't hard to sneak out of her room and leave the comm behind. It wasn't hard to get across the base to a small cargo ship that was going to leave. It wasn't hard to hide on that ship and leave the planet and all of those people behind. It was better this way and without her, they would succeed and they would survive.
It wasn't hard to sneak out of the ship and aboard another one. By the time the night on Yavin had ended Jyn was two planets away. She wasn't sure where she was but there was a seedy bar and an inn that took her money. Jyn fell down onto the shit bed and closed her eyes. She wondered if she would wake up back in Yavin if she slept.
She didn't and instead, Jyn went to the seedy bar and drank until she couldn't see straight. She beat some merchants at sabacc and had enough money to spend a little time here. Jyn tried not to think about the fact that they were going to get to Scarif soon and she wasn't there. Instead, she kept drinking until the end of the day when she stumbled back to her room and passed out wondering whether she was going to wake up back on Yavin.
She didn't, she was still on this backwater planet and nothing had changed. Jyn didn't trust this but maybe this was the proof she needed. Maybe this was the reason that she needed to leave. If the day didn't restart then maybe they were all alive and they had the plans. She watched the holonet in the bar but the Empire controlled the airwaves and they wouldn't say if someone broke into one of their secure facilities. They wouldn't want anyone to know about that weakness. So Jyn kept her head down and she listened but no one was talking about the Rebellion. No one mentioned it in any capacity on this planet. There were Imperials here but they didn't seem to care. Jyn kept her head down and went to bed the second day wondering if this was the day she would wake up on Yavin.
She didn't and for the first time, Jyn let herself relax a little. The Rebellion had the plans by now so they were going to win. Once they came recruiting again maybe she could join. Cassian would never speak to her again, she was sure of that, but the Rebels would take anyone they could get. They couldn't turn her away even if she ran from the unsanctioned mission. Jyn drank, she won a little money and thought about getting off of this planet and maybe going somewhere else. She was trying to think of where when the holonet changed and the symbol of the Empire appeared on the screen. It appeared they were going to some sort of live broadcast. Jyn looked up and saw an older man she didn't recognize.
"Good evening citizens of this great Empire," the man said. "I am Grand Moff Tarkin and I have someone special here to talk to all of you." He gestured for someone to join him and Jyn nearly dropped her drink as Krennic appeared on the screen. "There was an incident a few days ago that I believe the people of our Empire need to see dealt with live on the holonet," Tarkin said.
"Thank you, sir," Krennic said and he was smiling. "A few days ago Rebel spies tried to break into a secure facility. They were trying to steal data on our citizens so they could take our citizen's money for their own terrorist plots. We caught them, however, and we have the leader here." Jyn was doing her best to try and keep her hands from shaking because she knew what was about to happen and it still hurt. She watched as the camera swung and revealed two troopers as they dragged a bloody and broken Cassian. He was doing his best to stand but the troopers kicked the back of his legs and he painfully went down on the ground.
"These are very serious crimes and this rebel has been found guilty of many accounts including the murder of innocent soldiers and citizens of the Empire, espionage, and many others," Tarkin said. "We believe it is time that we show the entire Rebellion what happens to terrorists."
"I agree, sir, capital punishment is the best course of action," Krennic said with a smile. Cassian bared bloodstained teeth at them and spit blood onto Krennic's white robes. Everyone in the bar was watching all of this happen and she could see that some of them looked excited, some of them looked disgusted, and others looked like this was normal. "I'm afraid this spy has not given us his name so he will die nameless." Krennic took a blaster from Tarkin and pointed it at Cassian. They were going to execute him right here in front of everyone to send a message. She thought about the Rebellion and how they were afraid before they had to watch one of their own get killed like this.
Krennic fired his blaster and Cassian fell to the ground but Jyn realized that they weren't done. They had hit him in a place where he wouldn't die quickly; instead, they purposely shot him in a place where he would bleed out slowly. Krennic turned to Tarkin and the two of them began to talk to the camera about various things but they made sure to keep Cassian in the frame as he slowly bled out. Jyn had to put her glass down to keep from breaking it as she clenched her fists and she felt sick to her stomach. The people in the bar were talking about it, how they were watching a terrorist die slowly and he was getting what he deserved. Some said that capital punishment should be quick but they didn't blame the Empire for wanting to make an example. All Jyn could watch was Cassian as he lay on the ground, clearly in pain but doing his best to hide it, and slowly bleed out on the floor.
It took fifteen long minutes for the light to die in Cassian's eyes and the broadcast ended. Jyn didn't know what she was going to do but she slapped a few credits on the table and stumbled out of the bar. She was in an alleyway and Jyn couldn't remember the last time she was sick but she was going to be sick. Jyn threw up behind a can and leaned heavily on it. There were tears in her eyes as she realized that leaving didn't make things better. All of them were dead, the Rebellion didn't get the plans, and this was likely going to be the thing that made them all decide to surrender. She ran away and things were so much worse than she ever could have imagined.
"What do we have here?" a voice said and Jyn looked up. She saw a man in an Empire uniform with two troopers standing at the mouth of the alleyway. They were looking at her like they knew something she didn't. "We got reports of a woman in a bar that looked upset by the broadcast and the death of the rebel. Are you a sympathizer? Are you one of them?" Jyn blinked as she looked at her shaking hands.
"I knew him," she said softly as she looked up at these men. "I knew him, I cared about him, and I am a rebel. I rebel against you and all of the Empire." The man nodded to the troopers who pulled out blasters and pointed them at her. There was nothing Jyn could do but stare down that blaster. "You are going to lose this war. I will see to that."
"You will see nothing, rebel because I have found you guilty of treason and for that, you will receive capital punishment, do you have any last words?" the officer asked. Jyn spat on the floor and grinned at him.
"I rebel," she said and opened her arms. She welcomed the blasts that hit her body and was thankful that these two had better aim that Krennic did. Jyn died instantly with a feral grin on her face.
+++
Jyn woke up and for a moment she stared at the ceiling of her room back on Yavin. She had gone days without waking up in this room and now she was back. She was back because they had failed and she had died. So that meant that she had to make sure that everyone lived. Jyn thought about Cassian and the way he looked when the light left his eyes. She thought about watching him die with blood on his teeth and the way that no one seemed to care. It made her so angry she could hardly see straight. Jyn was not going to let all of this happen again. She hated herself a little for running away but there wasn't time to dwell on that. It was time to focus.
It was time to focus after she went to see Cassian and saw that he was alive and well. Jyn climbed out of her bed and made her way to the room that she knew like the back of her hand. She knocked on the door and knew exactly what he was going to look like when he opened the door. Jyn knew what to say that would get her in the room and all she wanted to do right now was pin him to a wall and kiss the living daylights out of him. Instead, Jyn thought about change and how she wanted something different.
"What are you looking for?" she asked after Cassian handed her his shirt to wear. Jyn sat down on his bed, her back against the wall, and her legs hanging off the side.
"I have some terrible liquor I thought we could drink to forget," Cassian replied.
"I don't think that's a good idea," Jyn said and Cassian looked up at her. "I don't want to forget. I think remembering is much more important." She paused for a moment because Jyn couldn't remember if she had ever seen that look on Cassian's face. "I think I just want to sit here and talk."
"You. Want to talk to me," Cassian said like this was something that never happened. It didn't occur to her that maybe that was the case. Cassian was a spy and she guessed that made it hard for people to trust him. A man who lived in secrets when you never knew whether or not he would keep them.
"Yes," Jyn said. "I want to talk to you. We're going on a suicide mission together tomorrow and we hardly know anything about each other. Trust goes both ways and I need to know more about Captain Cassian Andor so I know I can trust him."
"You want to trust me," he sounded so bewildered by this concept that it broke Jyn's heart a little. He looked so young as he stared at her and she realized that he wasn't much older than her. Maybe a couple of years and they were barely adults going into a war like this. Jyn gestured to the spot next to her for Cassian to sit down and he seemed like he was waiting for her to do something as he settled down next to her. They were sitting close enough that she could feel the heat coming off of his body but she didn't touch him. In all of their encounters, she was the one who touched him. This time, Jyn wanted Cassian to come to her.
So they started to talk. It was the first time she had ever talked about her mother dying to another person and what it felt like when Saw left her behind. She told him about how she kept her head down just so she could survive. Jyn told him about being sixteen and starving on the streets with nothing but a blaster to her name. She told him about the first life she ever took by mistake and the first life she took intentionally. Jyn told him everything.
In return, Cassian told her about losing his parents on Fest and his siblings that he watched die. He told her about finding Kay and how it sometimes felt like the droid was the only thing that ever wanted to talk to him. He told her about missions but left out details, and the things he had to do as an agent of the rebellion. Cassian told her about the first life he took accidentally and the first life he took intentionally. He told her about deep cover and how sometimes it took everything he had to keep from putting a blaster in his mouth and pulling the trigger. Jyn knew that Cassian didn't tell her everything but it felt like he told her enough.
Cassian was sharing a story about Kay that she had heard before but it sounded better when Cassian wasn't drunk when he was telling it. There were more details that drunk Cassian left out and she enjoyed hearing it again. She just liked listening to him talk. Jyn's hand was resting on the bed and when Cassian put his down they touched. Jyn wanted to reach forward and take his hand. She wanted it more than anything at that moment. This was the first time she had come to Cassian and really felt like she connected with him on a human level. Cassian was funny and so smart with a dark sense of humor that most people wouldn't appreciate. He carried his guilt for the things he had done for the rebellion like a weight and Jyn could see it dragging him down. She felt like she knew the man and that made this different from every other time she had come to him.
Cassian hesitated like he was still having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she wanted to be here and wasn't going to run away from him. Jyn wasn't afraid or disgusted by the blood on his hands because there was plenty on her hands as well. Still, Jyn waited because she wanted him to come to her. She thought it would mean more if he came to her. And the moment he reached forward and took her hand in his felt like leaping off of a cliff. Jyn leaned into Cassian and rested her cheek on his shoulder as he entwined their fingers. He was still afraid and she decided he need to know,
"I'm not afraid or disgusted by the blood on your hands, Cassian," Jyn said as she squeezed his hand. "Because I've got plenty on mine too." That was the thing that he needed to hear because he finally closed the distance between them and kissed her. Jyn gasped against his mouth because this was so different from any other kiss they had shared. There was no blood on Cassian's tongue from internal bleeding and she couldn't taste that terrible alcohol. It was just him and that made it so much better. Cassian pulled her onto his lap and the two of them spent what felt like half the night just kissing each other. She was breathless by the time Cassian pulled away to kiss along her throat. It didn't matter if he was drunk or sober it seemed Cassian could always find the sensitive place behind her ear. Jyn moaned and rolled her hips against him.
Cassian shifted her closer to him so there wasn't a place that they weren't touching and it felt incredible. He sucked a bruise into her skin and Jyn dug her nails into his shoulders. She wanted Cassian to set the pace of this but she also wanted his skin beneath her hands more than anything in the world. Jyn moved to pull Cassian's shirt off and held his gaze as she did so. Cassian's eyes somehow got darker as he pushed his own shirt off her shoulders and pulled off her tank top. He stared at her and Jyn wanted him so bad, she wanted him more than anything, and she pulled Cassian into a hard kiss.
It took some shifting but eventually, they ended up lying down on the bed but Jyn didn't break away from his kiss for longer than a second or two. She was approaching a hundred times reliving this day and she couldn't get enough of him. Jyn tried not to think about what would happen if she broke the cycle and they were both alive but sometimes she couldn't help it. She thought about having Cassian after the danger had passed. She thought about going on missions with him and finally fighting for a cause that she believed in. She thought about having him beside her for the rest of her life. Jyn thought about a future and it was one she wanted.
Cassian's hand slipping into her shorts was enough to bring Jyn back to the present and he moaned against her lips when he felt how wet she was. He muttered something to himself in his home language that she didn't understand but it didn't matter. The point got across. Cassian's talented fingers made her see stars and while she wanted his mouth on her she also wanted him inside of her right now. Cassian seemed to understand what she needed without words as they pushed the rest of their clothes away and he finally pushed into her.
Jyn thought that the sex with Cassian when they were both tipsy was mind-blowing but this was something else altogether. This was a connection with another human being that Jyn didn't think she would ever have. This was feeling something more during sex than just release and pleasure. She couldn't put a name on it, not yet, but it was so much more. Cassian kissed her as they both were about to fall over the edge together and Jyn didn't think the concept of a mutual orgasm existed but here was Cassian blowing all of her expectations away and changing her life.
This was worth fighting for. This was worth the insanity she felt on the edge of her mind every time she woke up after another failure. This was worth it all. It was the way Cassian smiled down at her as she ran her fingers through his sweaty hair. It was also the way Chirrut held her hand tightly and Baze said "good luck, little sister" and Bodhi's determination to be better. Jyn didn't care how many times she had to repeat the mission on Scarif because they were all worth fighting for.